Paternal Mental Health – Guest blog with Scott Page, a male psychotherapist in Hamilton, Ontario.
This guest blog is a special one for a few reasons; 1. it’s featuring a good friend of mine, Scott. and 2. it’s covering a topic that doesn’t get enough discussion, the mental health journey for a Dad.
I hope it provides you and/or your partner support and reassurance that you’re not alone in the journey.
Meet Scott
I’m Scott, a Registered Psychotherapist. I have been working in Hamilton, Ontario as a therapist for the past 8 years. Just over one year ago, I opened my own practice called Waterstone Therapy. I work with adults and older adolescents experiencing symptoms of depression, anxiety, OCD and other general mental health concerns. I have a special interest in working with men who might otherwise not access therapy. I have a Master’s degree from Princeton in New Jersey, USA, and completed a residency program at St. Joseph’s Healthcare Hamilton. I am trained in Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, and Dialectical Behavioural Therapy. I am an Assistant Professor of Psychiatry and Behavioural Neuroscience at McMaster University.
I am also a dad, with two young kids. I ride a bike nearly every day, play poker (mediocrely, at best) with my friends weekly, and am slowly improving as a hand tool woodworker. Thanks for the opportunity to share some advice about mental health for new dads.
Do you have any tips for a new dad on how best to support their partner who is newly postpartum?
Get comfortable being the Vice President of your family.
In the best case scenario, people decide to have a child because they have a partnership which is so loving and reciprocal that they want to bring a whole new person into their world. What a great thing! However, when the child arrives, many partners are surprised to find that things aren’t as rosy as they’d imagined.
For one, the parent who gave birth continues to adapt to a whole new version of their body, which looks and feels different due to pregnancy, delivery, breastfeeding, and an influx of hormones, which can contribute to uncharacteristic emotions and moods. Secondly, in the first few days, weeks, and months postpartum, the parent who gave birth tends to (but not always) develop an intense connection with their newborn child that can be beautiful, miraculous, and sucks the life out of them, all at the same time. Thirdly, the new child is experiencing a whole new way of life. The child is rapidly learning how to form attachment and get their needs met, usually in a very demanding way (screaming and crying). Those two are really going through something!
And then there is Dad.
Postpartum, Dad is usually not the centre of the operation. The rest of the family just doesn’t have the bandwidth to care as much about the changes Dad is going through, because their biological drives are focused on survival of and connection. Dad may even feel like they just lost their partner.
The new baby, especially if they are breastfeeding (and especially if they refuse the bottle) , is just not as into Dad. It can feel like a Dad’s partner just became a roommate and then they picked up another really needy roommate at the same time. So dad is often outside the circle and that is just kind of the way it is.
But, Dad is still really important in those early days.
A supportive Dad reduces the chances of perinatal depression significantly, by reducing isolation and overwhelm for their partner. A present Dad, who insists on being present even when they feel like the least important member of the household, will grow a loving meaningful relationship with their child that lasts. A thoughtful Dad will make sure the errands get run when everybody else can maybe get out of the house once a day or sleep in 3 hour windows.
So, the best general advice I can offer is: Get used to being the Vice President of your family for a time. Because being the Vice President is still a really important job.
What made you decide to become a Psychotherapist?
Since I was a kid, I loved listening to people talk about their feelings and how they make meaning out of their lives. I wanted my professional life to engage that curiosity. I also wanted to find a way to offer something valuable to others. I wanted to be able to help people make changes that make their lives better. I figured that being a therapist would allow me to take my natural curiosity and use it to help people change.
How has becoming a dad changed you (personally or professionally)?
Personally, I’d like to think I’ve gotten better at not sweating the small stuff, both with my children and my partner. I think I’ve gotten better at letting go of the embarrassment of sitting on the ground next to a screaming child in a public place (or walking away to cool off and let them figure things out themselves, while other adults stare). Helping my children learn to manage their own feelings has provided a new opportunity to increase my self-awareness.
Professionally, I think becoming a Dad has made me more empathetic with my clients. As I watch my kids grow, and try to be a good dad, I know first-hand that none of us really know what we are doing and all of us are doing the best we can. That particular kind of empathy is colouring the way I do therapy too.
What’s your favourite way to spend quality time with your kids?
In my own leisure time I love making things. Whether that is turning flour into bread or wood into a table, I enjoy getting better at a process that results in something I can share with others. With my kids, it’s often the same. I like seeing them grow their sense of mastery to make something, their joy in experiencing what we made together, and their generosity when they share it with others.
What would be some signs someone is struggling with their new identity of dad?
Experiential avoidance – Technically defined, this is anything a person does to reduce the intensity of an unwanted internal experience. It can look like drinking to fall asleep or mask feelings of loneliness. This can look like gambling to block out the discomfort with the chaos of life. This can look like playing video games whenever there is a moment of silence to avoid having a partner ask for more care when they are tapped out. This can look like diving into work to not have to be at home where being the household Vice President is too much and not enough at the same time.
Seeking perfection – Sometimes a Dad will get really into solving one particular kind of problem. This can look like compulsively checking baby monitors, or shopping for just the right piece of equipment or trying to control the environment to prevent any disruption. This ultimately undermines confidence because this perfection is impossible. Focusing on one aspect of responsibility can ultimately lead to more distress when things inevitably do not go perfectly.
What experience does your practice have with supporting a Dad with anxiety and/or depression after this life transition?
This is a broad generalization but men, and by extension most Dads, are socialized to be embarrassed about expressing any emotion with the exception of anger and maybe a little bit of happiness. So, when I see Dads come in for therapy in response to the big transition of having a child, they are either numbed out (depressed) or wanting to manage their anger better. A number of times, I’ve seen a new Dad who needs some space for himself to process what just happened in his family but does not feel permission to say he is feeling stressed by that life transition.
Secondarily, as a consequence, Dads often muddle through suffering, engaging help much later than others, which can mean problems fester for longer. Over the last 8 years of practice I have seen a number of Dads suffer for too long because they didn’t have the permission to ask for help. The delay can make unhelpful thoughts grow in significance and unhelpful patterns get more difficult to break.
Do you have any tips for a partner on how to encourage a new dad to start therapy?
It can be hard for partners to encourage a new Dad to start therapy, in part because they are going through it themselves. It is also hard to express that they think the Dad could benefit from therapy without triggering a sense of shame/sending a message that the Dad is a failure for having any feelings.
To combat this, focus on goal-directed talk. Listen for statements about what the Dad might want to achieve or do better. Try not to bring up therapy as a solution in a fight, as if he is the problem to be fixed (even if you might understandably feel that way). If he is not bringing up goals and seems to avoid conversations about this, in a calm moment:
- Describe what you are witnessing that would lead you to think therapy is a good idea
- Express your care for him and desire for him to live a fulsome life in his new role.
- Assert a clear ask of what you want him to do (ex. Call a therapist for a consult by this time next week)
- Reinforce why this will be helpful for you, for him and your child.
This general template comes from a form of therapy called DBT and you can find more about it here: https://dbt.tools/interpersonal_effectiveness/dear-man.php
Should a Dad seek support after a traumatic birth experience for their partner/baby?
Yes, provided there are signs that the trauma is negatively impacting him. It may be that a dad is aware of the way that trauma is affecting him immediately but oftentimes impacts of trauma are not immediately apparent and take months to show. Following a traumatic birth a dad may still be in shock for several months, which can actually be helpful to get through all the active steps that dad needs to take to keep moving through the trauma. However, in these cases usually the impact is felt later, and shows up in things like nightmares, flashbacks, experiential avoidance or detachment.
Immediately following a traumatic event, one of the most important steps is connecting with a community to tell the story of trauma to trusted people and normalize the emotions that go with that. While therapy cannot replace the place of community, it can help cover some of the gap when that community is not there or the need extends past the community’s capacity to support.
Do you offer virtual or in-person services, or both?
Yes to both. I am available in person at my Hamilton office. I am also available remotely for clients across Canada, provided they have a private space to connect for our appointments.
How can someone connect with you to discuss next steps?
Feel free to reach out to me by email at scott@waterstonetherapy.com or by phone (905) 288-7159. You can also check out my website waterstonetherapy.com
Thank you Scott for sharing your knowledge with our community!
Wishing your family all the best,
Chelsea and Scott
Chelsea is Mom of 2 and a Baby, Toddler and Child Sleep Consultant. She has advanced certification in Infant and Early Mental Health and Pediatric Sleep Health and has a Master’s of Professional Education with a specialization in Applied Behaviour Analysis. Chelsea supports families within Hamilton and beyond with hands-on, no cry-it-out, responsive methods towards longer naps and better nights. Chelsea works collaboratively with families to empower them with the confidence and tools they need to reach their unique sleep goals. Hear from rested families here and book a free call with Chelsea here to discuss how she can support your family’s journey to more sleep.
