Separation Anxiety and Baby Sleep
Welcoming a baby into your life is a joyful, transformative experience, but it can also be accompanied by worries and challenges along the way, particularly when it comes to sleep. One challenge many families face is separation anxiety. When your baby develops separation anxiety, a normal part of child development, it can be especially difficult to navigate. Sometimes you have to leave your baby for a minute to tend to another matter and then a meltdown happens once you’re out of sight – not great for anyone! So despite it being a normal and common challenge many families face, it tugs at your heartstrings. Some good news though – it doesn’t last forever and there are strategies you may consider to help your child feel safe and secure through the experience of separation from you.
What you’ll learn from this blog:
- What is separation anxiety?
- When does separation anxiety commonly occur?
- How does separation anxiety appear and how can it impact your baby’s sleep
- How to handle separation anxiety (10 tips)
What is Separation Anxiety?
Separation anxiety is a normal developmental stage during which babies and young children experience temporary distress when they are away from their primary caregivers. As their secure base provides them consistent comfort and safety, when there is a temporary separation from that, it can be an overwhelming experience. As your baby ages, their awareness of you leaving grows and the difficulties associated with this temporary separation become more apparent – even when your baby knows you will always be coming back.
I recently listened to a podcast episode by Dr. Becky Kennedy, Clinical Psychologist, who spoke about separation anxiety and back-to-school. The episode shared practical strategies, scripts and validation that could be used for many situations, not just school. Here’s the link – https://www.goodinside.com/podcast/8953/revisit-back-to-school-anxiety/
When does separation anxiety commonly occur?
This anxiety often peaks around ages 6-7 months, 9-10 months, 12-14 months and 2 years old. Your baby may begin to get fussy/upset when the preferred caregiver puts them down or leaves the room to get a drink or make lunch. It may feel like you can’t ever leave them out of your sight because they will go right into meltdown mode.
At these stages of your child’s development, some key factors are contributing to their separation anxiety.
Around 6-7 months
Your baby is beginning to develop object permanence which is when they recognize that when you leave a room (or out of their sight), they know you still exist but aren’t with them. It’s a big change and it’s hard for them to understand. Some families notice these challenges earlier than 6 months also.
Around 9-10 months
They are more aware of their surroundings and recognize routines that don’t involve you (their primary caregiver anymore). This stage was a hard one for both my kids’. We played a lot of peek-a-boo and practiced short intervals of separation when they were happy and had preferred activities and/or other people around (e.g., their favourite book, Dad in the room, etc.)
Around 12-18 months
They aren’t little babies anymore and they really notice changes by now. Your baby/toddler knows when bedtime routine is happening, when you say your good night phrase that it means bedtime is near and this can lead to separation anxiety while they understand that you will always be there to support them if they need it. They are also more vocal about their opinions when changes happen and this can make any separation situation challenging. No one likes to hear protest and even when we know they are safe, happy and ready for their nap/bed, it’s still hard to handle.
Around 2 years and beyond
Separation anxiety can/will eb and flow throughout various stages of their development. Off to daycare? They may have separation anxiety during this transition because they are leaving their secure base (you) and having to form a new trusting relationship during the day with another person. 2 years and beyond is full blown toddlerhood which can bring a whole host of challenges related to separation, tantrums and big feelings as their awareness of the world around them is heightened and they’re learning to express themselves.
How does separation anxiety appear?
Remember that separation anxiety is a normal part of childhood development and the impact it has on your baby is a unique experience. Some may have a few hard days/nights, others may have a prolonged response.
- Difficulty at naps and bedtime – your baby may cry, protest or struggle with the bedtime/nap experience as they know that this routine means separation from you (if it does). This protest should be short (matter of minutes) before they settle for sleep.
- Strong dislike for being put down at any time during the day or when you have to leave the room (even for a minute)
- Difficulty with routines when they know separation is approaching (e.g., walking into daycare, going into grandparent house for routine babysitting, etc.)
- General clinginess/moodiness that maybe your baby hasn’t displayed before. These phases can bring on more clinginess from your baby which will need to be met with patience and compassion as they navigate their developmental stage.
If your child is exhibiting separation anxiety, you aren’t doing anything wrong. This is a normal part of your child’s development that will increase and reduce at different stages of their life.
How to handle separation anxiety at naps and bedtime
While separation anxiety is a natural and healthy part of development, there are strategies you can implement to help your baby feel more secure, confident and comfortable with their sleep journey.
Tip 1
Establish or maintain a consistent sleep routine
A predictable and calming sleep routine can help provide your baby security and confidence in the expectations as they know exactly what to expect. When a routine is consistently implemented, there is no confusion which means they feel secure and safe. Confusion = distressing.
Tip 2
Increase playfulness
Incorporate peek-a-boo into your young babies daily play time so they can have practice opportunities of you temporarily not being there and learning that you always come back. For older children, talking about an invisible string that always ties you together can be helpful. Friendship/love bracelets, drawing hearts on hands are also ways to show connection when you aren’t physically together.
Tip 3
Offer other good-bye opportunities
Some families will add more goodnight steps to help signal good night to everything and everyone (e.g., good night windows, good night bathtub, good night books, good night bear, etc.) so your child learns they can say good night to things and it doesn’t mean they’re gone forever.
Tip 4
Create a comfortable sleep environment
Ensure that your baby’s sleep environment is conducive to rest. This includes a comfortable sleep space, a cool and dark room, and white noise. A familiar sleep environment can help your baby feel more secure and less anxious as the space is consistent.
Tip 5
Slow down
During periods of separation anxiety, it’s ok to slow things down to offer more opportunities for connection during winding down routines. Add an extra song. Hold the snuggle a little longer. Work on filling up their connection cup with intention through their sleep routine.
Tip 6
Offer consistent support and reassurance
If sleep separation is in a tough spot, it’s ok to offer them reassurance and support to guide them through it. If your baby is usually falling asleep unassisted (e.g., into crib/bed awake), you can offer them support and reassurance without introducing assistance to sleep. This may look like frequent connection in their room and exiting the room and repeating as needed. Or it may look like adjusting your position in their room at sleep time with a plan to fade yourself out.
If your sleep journey looks different than this, that’s ok too. You can offer them any support that feels best for you and them to get through the stage.
Tip 7
Have other caregivers involved
During the day, have other safe caregivers spend time with your child in their room to play and have positive interactions while you step away temporarily. During sleep routines, have other caregivers observe the routine or participate in some steps so your child becomes more comfortable with these experiences. It will be a work in progress and take time.
Tip 8
Comfort objects
For older children, introducing a comfort object, such as a soft blanket or a favorite stuffed animal, that your baby can associate with security. This object can provide comfort when you are not physically present, helping to ease separation anxiety. Big kids may like to sleep with a shirt or item of yours (my son does this sometimes with his Dad’s shirts) and pictures of the family can be helpful, too.
Tip 9
Lend them your calm
Your baby can sense your emotions, so staying calm and patient is critical. If you are feeling nervous for the separation, or anxious for the reaction, your baby will likely mirror this back to you. Your child needs you to be a calm and confident leader through any hard stage so they learn their big feelings are safe to have and you can handle this with them. Take a deep breath and stay consistent with your approach. This stage won’t last forever.
Tip 10
Use clear language and follow through
If you tell your child you are leaving the room and you will come back to check on them, follow through with this. They need to trust that when you say something, you’ll do it. So this means, you will leave the room (even if its just for a minute) and that you will be back to check on them. Consistency is the key to help your child feel safe with your words and comfort with the temporary separation that naturally happens throughout their life.
Putting it all together…
While separation anxiety and sleep challenges can be tough, it’s important to remember that this phase is temporary. Your baby’s emotional development is progressing, and their strong attachment to you is a positive sign. Over time, with patience and consistency, your baby will learn to feel more comfortable with the temporary separation with your love and patience to guide them through it.
If you have any additional tips or experiences with separation anxiety and baby sleep, feel free to share them to me via email. Your insights could be valuable to other parents navigating this journey. Thank you for reading, and wishing you all the best on your parenting journey.
Chelsea
Chelsea is Mom of 2 and a Baby, Toddler and Child Sleep Consultant. She has advanced certification in Infant and Early Mental Health and Pediatric Sleep Health and has a Master’s of Professional Education with a specialization in Applied Behaviour Analysis. She supports families within Hamilton and beyond with hands-on, no cry-it-out, responsive methods towards longer naps and better nights. Chelsea works collaboratively with families to empower them with the confidence and tools they need to reach their unique sleep goals. Hear from rested families here and book a free call with Chelsea here to discuss how she can support your family’s journey to more sleep.
Moore, M. K., & Meltzoff, A. N. (1999). New findings on object permanence: A developmental difference between two types of occlusion. The British journal of developmental psychology, 17(4), 623–644. https://doi.org/10.1348/026151099165410
Stone, L. L., Otten, R., Soenens, B., Engels, R. C., & Janssens, J. M. (2015). Relations Between Parental and Child Separation Anxiety: The Role of Dependency-Oriented Psychological Control. Journal of child and family studies, 24(11), 3192–3199. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10826-015-0122-x
